When a relationship is 50/50 on decisions (yes, you have equal say!) If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. I might even be texting a new girl nothing that crosses the line, but maybe dipping my toes in the water. Somebody who sees the good in you that already is there and currently exists. It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. He was trying to help in similarly pushy ways. You are the boss of you. I was your boyfriend (not literally but, you know, in the way he acts) with my ex-wife. Or, put another way, you are going to feel so much better when your inner monologue isnt being interrupted by his. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. Hlepy is a word I learned over at Making Light. We broke up, but were still friends today, and he honestly tried his best. Its hard to cuddle with someone you just arent connected to. Let your thoughts sit while your jealousy simmers down a little bit. Because my fianc and I worked things out and are in a good place now, I am hesitant to just say ~DTMF~, but your boyfriend needs to realize that monitoring someone elses habits (even your eating habits!) One of the surest ways to find out why he stopped putting in the work is by asking him. But really nothing in that letter sounds like a happy, healthy time. I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. When your boyfriend stops expressing his love for you, then it is time you took stock of the situation. One of the reasons my partner has my trust when it comes to medicine things and my parents do not is because when I say to them I am trying this new thing for X, because my doctor thinks it will do Y without causing Z side effect my partner replies with Cool, hope it kicks in and helps you feel better, let me know if you need me to do anything and my parents reply with a long list of reasons Doctor Oz thinks that its the most evil drug in the world and how can your doctor be competent if theyre prescribing this drug that moms degree from Google University taught her to think is bad?. It doesnt sound like you two ever consensually negotiated a relationship with unequal roles and a power imbalance, nor does it sound like what you want. This guy is manipulative. You will never be trying hard enough/doing enough, because it is not about you. That said, Ive gotten him to doctors, fed him, and made sure he took his meds at his worst; Ive helped to monitor his moods and symptoms and brought changes up for his consideration when I notice changes. Its okay to stay, BUT IT IS ALSO OKAY TO GO. But for it to be helpful, she has to want to include me. It is true that a friend can see me in a ratty sweatshirt with my hair uncombed and know that thats a sign that something is bothering me, but making sure I put on a bright clean shirt and fix my hair, while appreciated, is not going to fix whats wrong over the long haul. Wanting to stay in your relationship is one thing, needing to stay in a relationship that actively undermines your sense of self because of housing or economics or fear of the unknown is another. Some people even go on partial social media detox by simply using them for messaging, on the other hand avoiding watching people's stories. it doesnt extend to someone elses body/diet/etc, and EVEN IF YOU WERE OKAY WITH THAT or had asked his advice (and you do not ever have to), you still get 50% weight, which is the ability to say Thats nice that you think that, but Ive decided nope. Yes, exactly. 2. What is that one spot where youve always wanted to go but never had a chance yet? The dissonance between everyone says exercising will help! It took me over 12 years to learn that. Whether it was a lot or a little, it will carry you to tomorrow. Even if he genuinely wants you to be well and capable and happy, instead of just better conformed to the you he wants, hes being hlepy. It epitomizes an important, or even THE important element of a relationship. The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to consider them seriously. Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? Emotions *exist* and have a massive effect on our wellbeing, emotions dont just disappear if you have assessed them and decided that logically you should not be feeling that way (at least mine sure dont! Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. It is about him. Most guys will be nice to their friends girl, but usually not overly so. A lot of the time, people feel like they need a Big Serious Reason (like I caught him bonking my sister or he burned my entire book collection then peed on the ashes) to dump someone. But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. For instance, it takes me 20 minutes to get out the door in the morning: wake up, shower, comb hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, out the door. They are not partner micro-managing tools. If the title is in your name the vehicle belongs to you and if he refuses to return it and has it you may want to call the police and report it stolen. If you suggest doing something with him or if he is the one to bring it up, he will always say maybe. Or something like that, anyway. I do find that if Im in a good place, exercise will help jump-start my mood if Im in danger of falling into a depression and it helps maintain my positive mood and energy. The impression Im getting from your letter is your boyfriends goals are mostly about him, and making him feel good and making him look good. Yeah sometimes it didnt go the way he planned and it caused some short term stressors for us, but better that than the alternative. But that partnership is one weve negotiated and practiced over the years. What steps can you take in order for him to feel less obliged and more willing again about making an effort with your relationship? 14. And sometimes, just for fun, exercise causes my body to mimic the feeling of a panic attack, and so I get inexplicably upset and frantic about normal life events! Some people need their partner to be less than them so they feel secure. Taking emotions out of decision making is actually a highly irrational approach. He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. And what am I doing while Im waiting for her to stop the one-sided argument Im passively agreeing to? Be good to yourself, LW, and if Boyfriend cant be good to you too, well, then I think the Captain is right about this guy being more invested in himself than you. Pick one night per week that you alternate making dinner. Helpful. I dont know, maybe your boyfriend got out of a bad slump by getting really into exercise and tidying up his home, and hes being obnoxious about it because hes become the Helper. This is totally fine when your relationship is great. THIS. Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: He often works in the context of a committed marriage, where the couple really do want to stay together, but the skills can be used in any romantic relationship, even w/ if the goal were very clear communication rather than trying to save a marriage. One person I dated who trampled all over my boundaries and was generally terrible would tell me that he was challenging me and that it was good to be a relationship with someone who.trampled all over your boundaries? Hooo yes. It could be as simple as the fact that neither of you is interested in each other anymore. The best way to spark your boyfriend's interest and get him to call and text you again is to start genuinely loving your life. Work. Either he doesnt realize how much of a Ricardo Cabeza hes being and will totally back off when you state your boundaries, or hell double down and youll know that hed much rather be a Helper and Fixer than actually love you for you right now. I hope you can use some of these scripts to talk to your boyfriend, and that he can truly listen to what you are saying. A big thing about this for me is the control he seems to want over your life. You are not the target demographic. One of the best dates I ever went on was to a cheap jazz concert in my neighborhood; we danced the night away and ended up as great friends. Leave now. I guarantee you it will only get worse. Stop trying to control your partner. You cant change other people, and any coaching or motivating has to be accomplished with the full participation and consent of the coached. Luckily, John Howell has already worded it beautifully , http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-w-howell/2013/05/a-narcissists-love-letter/. My mother used to literally scream at me if she saw my hand go anywhere near my head, my friends used to threaten to not speak to me if I cut myself, but no pressure! A very strange conversation with the chatbot built into Microsoft's search engine led to it declaring its love for me. Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. Now, if he didnt react well to that, I might change it, but he says it is good to hear. You know your boyfriend and your own situation better than we do, so I trust you to figure out who and what you are dealing with and take steps to care for yourself. The first thing is take a deep breath, relax. To be honest, I almost wonder if he said that because he felt he needed to say something (because maybe peanut-butter and chocolate chip sandwiches arent the most common meal and sometimes its hard not to comment on that?) If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: Your conversations are brief, and he doesnt appear to be as interested in your life anymore. Do you want me to smack your hand when you reach for the chips? And throughout this time, avoid distractions such as social media. Oh wow. That one was also helpful. Sometimes its nice to have a gentle push towards a sincerely held goal, but getting mad at you for not meeting some standards that he made up? Girl nothing that crosses the line, but usually not overly so that... Other people, and it keeps coming up already is there and exists... Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to that I. Isnt competitive in any way important element of a relationship is 50/50 on (! 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The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to that, I might change,...
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